Hey, Jack, I was sitting at a restaurant yesterday and the folks in the booth next to me were being real loud. It was hard to enjoy my meal. I didn't have the man-parts to say anything, though. In your opinion, what should I have done?
-Felix in AZ
Dear Felix,
It’s hard to enjoy a meal in any restaurant what with all the walls and floors and ceilings confining you. So there’s your first problem. Solve it. As for your man parts, well, that’s a different situation. I met a man in west Texas once who had too many man parts. Born with an extra Rocky Mountain Oyster. Used to kick tables over in fits of rage because the waiter forgot the salt. I told him the restaurant was his first problem, but now we’re going in circles.
Alright, if a man is being too loud, and thus encroaching audibly into your territory, then the only means of recourse appropriate to the situation is immediate retaliation, in-kind. That’s why I always carry a bull horn with me. Turn that thing on, crank it to 10, and give some lip. Always carry an air-horn, too. Firing your side-arm can also be effective, as is combining all three at the same time. The Lesson: If you don’t have any man-parts use your other tools. And always know the closest exit.
-Jack
My solution was to passively-aggressively glare, but I find this does not carry much traction in New York.
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