Dear Jack,
What's the deal with the moon? I don't trust it.
Delia - Calgary, AB
Hey, Delia,
You're no conspiracy theorist, you're no MEL GIBSON from CONSPIRACY THEORY. You've got good reason to not trust the moon. Picture this: It's May 25, 1961 and you're checking out the tube, the tv, the ent-er-tain-ment box and all the sudden the friggin' PRESIDENT OF THE US of A comes on. He's droning on and on in that weird Cape Cod accent and then he says, "Fuck it, we're going to the moon. We're going to the goddamn moon!" Now, all of everybody is like, "yes, we're going to the moon." Here's where it gets complicated. We've got people like BUZZ ALDRIN and LANCE ARMSTRONG and NEIL ARMSTRONG and LANCE BASS signed up for the moon. Do any of these names seem feasible to you, Delia? I thought so. They are real people and the rockets were real but all the people in the subsequent 40-50 years have said we faked the moon landings. No one ever had the balls, until you, Delia, to say we faked the moon. LANCE ARMSTRONG rode a rocket for sure but it never landed on any moon because there is no moon.
Have you ever seen a picture of the moon dated before 1961? 1900? 1800?! Hell no! All the "experts" say, "the moon controls the tides." Let me ask you this, Delia, have you seen any tides in Calgary? I don't think so. They say Apollo 11 beat the Russians to the moon - but, Delia, they're making it up. The only thing we know for sure is that Apolo Ohno beat the Russians to the finish line.
One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind (to believe).
-Jack
Monday, May 9, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Give Some Lip
Hey, Jack, I was sitting at a restaurant yesterday and the folks in the booth next to me were being real loud. It was hard to enjoy my meal. I didn't have the man-parts to say anything, though. In your opinion, what should I have done?
-Felix in AZ
Dear Felix,
It’s hard to enjoy a meal in any restaurant what with all the walls and floors and ceilings confining you. So there’s your first problem. Solve it. As for your man parts, well, that’s a different situation. I met a man in west Texas once who had too many man parts. Born with an extra Rocky Mountain Oyster. Used to kick tables over in fits of rage because the waiter forgot the salt. I told him the restaurant was his first problem, but now we’re going in circles.
Alright, if a man is being too loud, and thus encroaching audibly into your territory, then the only means of recourse appropriate to the situation is immediate retaliation, in-kind. That’s why I always carry a bull horn with me. Turn that thing on, crank it to 10, and give some lip. Always carry an air-horn, too. Firing your side-arm can also be effective, as is combining all three at the same time. The Lesson: If you don’t have any man-parts use your other tools. And always know the closest exit.
-Jack
-Felix in AZ
Dear Felix,
It’s hard to enjoy a meal in any restaurant what with all the walls and floors and ceilings confining you. So there’s your first problem. Solve it. As for your man parts, well, that’s a different situation. I met a man in west Texas once who had too many man parts. Born with an extra Rocky Mountain Oyster. Used to kick tables over in fits of rage because the waiter forgot the salt. I told him the restaurant was his first problem, but now we’re going in circles.
Alright, if a man is being too loud, and thus encroaching audibly into your territory, then the only means of recourse appropriate to the situation is immediate retaliation, in-kind. That’s why I always carry a bull horn with me. Turn that thing on, crank it to 10, and give some lip. Always carry an air-horn, too. Firing your side-arm can also be effective, as is combining all three at the same time. The Lesson: If you don’t have any man-parts use your other tools. And always know the closest exit.
-Jack
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