And The Cow Didn't Jump Over Anything!

Dear Jack,
What's the deal with the moon? I don't trust it.

Delia - Calgary, AB






Hey, Delia,
You're no conspiracy theorist, you're no MEL GIBSON from CONSPIRACY THEORY. You've got good reason to not trust the moon. Picture this: It's May 25, 1961 and you're checking out the tube, the tv, the ent-er-tain-ment box and all the sudden the friggin' PRESIDENT OF THE US of A comes on. He's droning on and on in that weird Cape Cod accent and then he says, "Fuck it, we're going to the moon. We're going to the goddamn moon!" Now, all of everybody is like, "yes, we're going to the moon." Here's where it gets complicated. We've got people like BUZZ ALDRIN and LANCE ARMSTRONG and NEIL ARMSTRONG and LANCE BASS signed up for the moon. Do any of these names seem feasible to you, Delia? I thought so. They are real people and the rockets were real but all the people in the subsequent 40-50 years have said we faked the moon landings. No one ever had the balls, until you, Delia, to say we faked the moon. LANCE ARMSTRONG rode a rocket for sure but it never landed on any moon because there is no moon. 


Have you ever seen a picture of the moon dated before 1961? 1900? 1800?! Hell no! All the "experts" say, "the moon controls the tides." Let me ask you this, Delia, have you seen any tides in Calgary? I don't think so. They say Apollo 11 beat the Russians to the moon - but, Delia, they're making it up. The only thing we know for sure is that Apolo Ohno beat the Russians to the finish line.

One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind (to believe).

-Jack